Much Ado About — Well, Everything
by Lady Katharine Heartspark
Summary: It's totally humor. Daine gets a 'scary' letter and has to deal with the consequences while everyone around her is going nuts. But it's not focused on her, it's got everyone! R/L/R! (read and laugh and review!) CHAPTER 3! The King's Birthday Ball!!
1. In Which Kitten Is Very Bad

****

Yes! Your favorite author is BACK! And this time, she has prepared . . . *drumroll begins* A FUN ONE! That's right, I'm poking fun at all our favorite characters! But no worries — I still love 'em.

I think this story is somewhat amusing, and hopefully you will too, so just read it already!

Hoohoo, hoohoo, WHOOPS! We're reading Antigone in English (it's an old Greek play) and today we had debates about it. My debate was on the character CREON in the play. So I had just made a killer opening statement, and this is what I said next: "So who is the most egotistical, sexist, self-serving character in the play? Cleon — obviously."

It took me a while to figure out what went wrong. Sadly, two of my friends were in that class, and they know about my somewhat obsessive obsession with all things Tammy. They teased me the rest of the day. Well, one did — the other didn't notice. How sad is that?

Chapter One

In Which Kitten Is Very Bad

---------------

The day began like any other.

The sparrows woke everyone in the second year knight's wing at dawn with their incessant chattering. Kel rolled over and rubbed her eyes, blinking blearily and feeling three soft balls of fluff perching on her chest. She smiled, and another one landed on her forehead and poked her in the eye. "Ow!" she cried, eye watering. She closed the wounded feature. Clumsily, looking at the world from a two dimensional perspective, she went to fetch their seeds.

Neal opened one eye, saw the birds flitting above his blanket, and took a swipe at them, but his sleep-clouded brain wouldn't function, and he missed. Nevertheless, it is a fair guess that he would not have been able to hit them anyway.

The rest of the second year knights – Kel and Neal's yearmates –pulled the blankets over their heads with groans and tried to fall back asleep.

Daine was awakened when Jump, true to his one-syllable name, leaped onto the bed and landed on her blanketed form. The air was forced out of her body with a _whoof_. Jump barked, happy that she was trying to speak his language, and began to frantically wash Daine's face. Beside her, Numair raised his head. "Midear," he said, burying his face in the pillow. "How did that blasted dog get in? I thought we locked the door!"

Kitten, listening at the door, gave a self-satisfied chuckle and waited for Daine to come out and feed her. She would teach those mortals to make her wait!

Alanna, visiting the Palace from her home of Pirate's Swoop, bounded out of bed, fully dressed, and started doing pushups.

All over the Palace, people began their morning rituals, mainly washing their faces and trying to sneak out of whoever's room they were in last night without being caught.

However, Daine did not have that problem. She was in the kitchen, trying to make breakfast and not succeeding. She swore eloquently, sat down, and thought.

Numair was in his workroom when he heard her call for the first time. He ignored her and kept dictating to his magicked quill, which recorded whatever he said.

" . . . _therefore_, after taking into account the hypostatical degree to which the experimental material was insulated and the inference that was propagated by the conglomerational proportions, I have just three more experiments to go before I conclude that, indeed, hugs are better than drugs."

Daine called again from the kitchen. "_Numair_! Help me make toast!"

"I'm rather _busy, _Daine!" he called back, exasperated. The quill diligently wrote that out. Numair swore at the bug in his spell, and the quill recorded that, too.

"Please? Help?"

"I _can't_! I don't have the –" he broke off.

Daine had whispered the password to the door, which then let her through – Kitten had to be kept out of the dangerous magical environment, which was why the door was protected in the first place. Daine sauntered into the room and sidled up to him. She stuck her face in the nape of his neck and started whispering all manner of things, which shall be left unsaid, the key factor being that he help her make toast before she proceeded to do any of them.

After several seconds, Numair gave in – although it was more of the fact that her nose was tickling him than he wanted her to do the several interesting things she promised she would. He followed her out of the door of his workroom.

In the split second after both humans had cleared the doorway and before the door's spell was reapplied, Kitten snuck into the room.

She paused, lifting herself onto her forepaws and peering around happily. Kitten immediately spotted the magicked quill, standing at attention on the desk. She trotted over to it, her silver talons making slight scratching noises on the hard stone floor.

Kitten pulled herself onto the table. She narrowed her slitted eyes and croaked at the quill. It scratched across the paper for a few seconds, leaving a trail of wet ink, then halted again. Kit's eyes widened. She trilled. The quill scratched. Kitten paused. Then she carefully picked up the quill in her razor sharp teeth and concealed herself by the door, ready to jump out the door when someone re-entered the workroom.

Just scant minutes later, Numair stalked into the room, muttering the password and then continuing on with, "I can't believe she wouldn't do it." Kitten hustled through the opening and trotted proudly under the bed, where Daine sat, triumphantly eating toast.

***

Kel, finishing up a pattern dance, whirled her glaive in the move "The Courageous Rabbit" and finished by hacking a chip from the doorjamb. She surveyed her work grimly. "One enemy down, cleaved through the neck," she said approvingly, running her fingers over the row of gashes in the wood.

"My dearest Lady Knight!" cried a male voice from the hall. "I see that you're back to your destructive habits. Tsk, tsk."

Kel's eyes widened. She thrust the weapon onto its stand above the fireplace, jamming her finger between the wall and the staff of the glaive. She swore and shook her hand.

Someone threw muscular arms around her and gave her a backwards hug. Released, she turned and looked slightly up, staring into the bright blue eyes of the man standing behind her. "Nice to see you, too," she said seriously.

Dom laughed. "Admit it. You're more than happy to see me."

Kel was about to open her mouth and agree, but she caught herself. Dom, like Neal, would never know of the monster crush she had on him. Instead, she asked, "What are you doing here? Isn't Third Company on the road?"

Dom shook his head. "We got called back — winter's closed off all the roads north, so we're stuck here until the thaw." Kel swallowed, heart beating wildly. "Now," he continued, slinging an arm around her shoulder, "We have orders to go find Lord Raoul. He wanted to talk to you, and I think that I'll just come along for the ride."

They strolled through the door.

***

Daine walked back into her rooms, exhausted after a morning with some stubborn stallions that the Palace had recently acquired. _Perhaps a short nap_ . . . she thought longingly, and moved towards the bed in surrender.

She ground to a halt. On the rumpled blankets lied a single sheet of paper.

Who could leave her a message? Only she and Numair had keys to the rooms.

Cautiously — the paper could be magicked to explode at the _slightest_ touch — she stuck her face close to it. It smelled like paper. She closed one eye and examined it closely. It looked like paper. Even more cautiously, she bent down and picked it up. She gasped as she read it.

__

Narftlot; seteper TNEMMOT rehhal Qicp, TEALPA atilsdoOOOO. kreEEkast kand GONE aipxhel seroetem. Seroetem.

Daine grabbed the sheet and ran out of the room.

---------------

****

hehe . . . well, that was fun! Maybe this will help prod Search for the Six out of its coma. Let's hope so. In any case, I was meaning for the characters to be a little _out _of character — it's hard to make a spoof otherwise. Please, please, hit that periwinkle button and tell me what you think. PLEASE. 


	2. In Which We Follow The Sparrows

****

OWWWWWWWWWW. F***ing hell! I was just walking down the stairs to get to my computer and I tripped and fell down the last four stairs. Now my shin is f***ing THROBBING and it hurts like a bitch.

Can anyone tell that when I get hurt I swear? But (haha) this story is still PG-13. Hah.

OMG. I think I'm seriously losing it. like I'm not even joking. I called one of my better friends KEL yesterday morning. Christ. If this doesn't stop, I don't know what I'll do.

Okay, so you weren't supposed to realize that those were backwards words. And the reason that you couldn't read them was because they were _french_ words. That's why meteors wasn't sreoetem. And I made up some of them. So there. don't try to decode any more — it's not relevant at all.

Well, anyway. This chapter cracks me up, so that makes me happy. I hope you'll like it. you sort of have to have a rather . . . skewed sense of humor, so it is my dearest wish that if you don't, you'll pretend to, and have fun with the story.

Chapter Two

In Which We Follow The Sparrows

---------------

The flock was resting in the Palace gardens, searching out sunflowers and pecking at the seeds.

Pecks-out-eyes, the leader of the sparrow clan, cocked his head and looked at the sunflower seed in front of his small feathery form. How he loved sunflower seeds! He must try to get She-who-feeds to locate some, so he could have them more often. Just like the cherries. How he loved cherries! Pecks-out-eyes thought in his diabolical sparrow brain.

Suddenly, Tears-with-claws-and-beak darted in front of him and snatched his sunflower seed away! Pecks-out-eyes screeched and took off. Behind him, Bloody Talons and Feather Slaughter, his personal guards, took to the air after the rogue bird.

The escapade lasted only a few seconds. Tears-with-claws-and-beak, looking behind him to check on his pursuers progress, flew into a branch. Stunned, he dropped the seed. Bloody Talons swerved to catch it. Pecks-out-eyes joined his guards on the ground and proceeded to devour his snack.

After the sparrows had eaten their fill, Pecks-out-eyes led them off, looking for One-who-feeds. It took them a while, but they found her.

She was in He-who-makes-funny-noises' study. Through the glass window, they could see her and the man having a heated discussion. Unfortunately, the humans were so wrapped up in the argument that neither noticed the birds.

Insubordinates! thought Pecks-out-eyes. He gave the signal, and all around him, sparrows rushed to the windows, frantically tapping it with talons and beaks. Off to his right, a young male hit the window too hard with his beak and knocked himself out. Pecks-out-eyes watched the male fall without pity — stupidity was not welcome in his clan!

Finally, She-who-feeds noticed the birds' presence and opened the window violently. They flew into the room and settled, and the point of view switched out of their brains.

"You _have_ to go," Neal said.

"I do not!" Kel cried vehemently.

"It's the King's birthday! Everyone will be expecting you! You're one of two lady knights in the _country_!"

"And I'll go to the celebration – just not the ball!"

"Come _on_," Neal prodded.

"Do I even _like_ anyone that's going to the ball?" Kel challenged, her hands on her hips.

"Well, sort of–" Neal faltered.

"Hah! No one is going! And therefore, I _refuse_ to go!"

"No wait!" Neal cried hurriedly. "You'll know people. There are a few people going."

"Like who?"

"Sir Raoul–"

"With Buri, so he'll be in the clouds."

"–and so will Owen–"

"He'll just eat."

"–And I know there's someone else–"

"Maybe Cleon, because then, well, of _course_ I'll go!"

"Oh, right – Dom said Sir Raoul talked him into going."

There was just the _slightest_ pause before Kel said, "Oh goody! I can be made fun of all–"

The following conversation ensued:

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"You paused!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Just then – you paused!"

"No I didn't."

"Not _then_ – before!"

"_No_, I didn't!"

"You did too! I heard you!"

"Okay, so maybe I did. What about it?"

"You like him!"

"_What?_ I do not! You're bonkers!"

"Hah! You do!"

"You're acting like my sisters!"

"So?"

"You're acting like _my sisters_."

"You're avoiding the subject."

"There _is_ no subject!"

"I can't _believe_ you like him! Dom! Ha!"

"I don't!"

"Don't deny it."

"I don't! I'm _not!_"

"Yes, you do, and yes, you are."

"You're im_poss_ible!" Kel threw up her hands and ran into her sleeping chamber, slamming the door. The lock didn't catch and it swung open again. Neal snickered. Kel glared daggers at him and slammed it again, and once more it popped open, revealing her furious face. Neal broke out into loud laughter. She slowly closed the door, and the lock finally held.

"I'll come and get you at eight," Neal called through the wood. "Make sure you look pretty, love."

"Shut up!" she shouted from the bedroom.

"You_ are_ going, aren't you?"

Pause.

"Yes," she muttered sullenly.

Neal laughed again and strolled out the door. As soon as she heard the outer door close, Kel opened the bedroom door and went out into the living chambers again. She turned against it and slid down the wall to the floor, where she buried her head in her arms.

A small pressure on her shoulder alerted her to the fact that a sparrow had landed on her shoulder. She lifted her head and smiled at the bird.

Pecks-out-eyes took his chance and pecked her on the neck.

"Ow!" she cried, slapping a hand to the peck-mark. She used her other hand to find her stash of cherries.

Pecks-out-eyes snatched one cherry and signaled the flock to grab the rest. They swarmed around her head in a feather mob, then fluttered out her window, leaving the woman alone in her room.

The sparrows relocated to an empty courtyard, to calm down and eat their feast. Pint-sized stomachs full, they had just settled down for a mid-morning nap when they felt a bolt of emotions that jolted their souls. That meant only one thing – Daine had sent it. The birds took to the air to search her out.

Following the surge of wild magic that emanated from her, the sparrows found her in next to no time. She was in a part of the Palace they were unfamiliar with, but they recognized the man she was talking to.

The flock swirled in through the window and alighted on a shelf. Daine ignored them, as she ignored the dogs, cats, mice, a pet monkey, and one knight's annoying talking parrot that had rushed to her comfort. Her attention was focused on the man in front of her.

Jon was sitting behind his desk, looking serious. Daine stood in front of the desk, absolutely shell-shocked.

"_Bodyguards_?" she squeaked.

The King of Tortall nodded gravely. "This is _obviously_ a death threat, Daine." He held up the note from that morning. "See, right there? That's 'GONE,' in case you've forgotten how to read. Someone wants you 'GONE' – that is, _dead_!"

"But . . . bodyguards?"

"They'll help you."

"You don't even know if it's a threat! And what language could that note _possibly_ be written in?"

"Daine, there are other countries beyond Scanra to the north and Tyra to the east, you know. Of course, no one knows anything about them – which is why we have to be _very careful_." Jon glanced around furtively. "Which is why I'm calling in the specialists."

"And who are they?"

"The **I**ndividualized **D**efenders **I**n **O**dd **T**imes **S**quad." He waved a hand, and a bolt of blue magic spread to the door and opened it.

__

Wait a minute, Daine thought. _IDIOTS? _But by then, four men had entered the room, and her attention was diverted.

They were huge, hulking men – none under six feet tall, and very sturdy-looking as well. Their arms bulged with muscles. They were wearing black flowing cloacks that were sleeveless but had a hood anyway, so their faces were hidden.

"Meet the IDIOTS." Jon waved his hand and inclined his head. "Please, introduce yourselves."

"I'm Agent Dean."

"Agent Don, nice to meet you."

"Agent Dan – it's a pleasure."

"And I'm Agent Vincent Montgomery."

Daine blinked.

Jon took the opportunity to keep talking. "Now, Daine, I'm assigning these men to guard you day and night. During the day, at least one will be within five feet of you at all times. At night, two will be outside your door, and one will be outside your window."

Daine's jaw dropped.

Jon continued talking. "When you go somewhere, they need to know, so they can secure the area. Now, are you going to the ball tonight?" Daine nodded her head wordlessly. "Good! It's going to be so much fun! I have a band all set up, and I have this absolutely _gorgeous_ new tunic, and –"

Agent Dan cleared his throat.

"– ahem. As I was saying, I'll need to secure that area. And remember: five feet at all times." He patted her shoulder and escorted her out the door.

Agent Dean followed her. He snapped his fingers, and a small ball of white fire appeared. He muttered into it. "This is Agent Dean. I have Duckmole under my guard and we're –"

Daine whirled around. "_What_ _was that_?"

"What?"

"Duckmole."

"Er . . . you."

"_Me_?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"Duckmole?"

"Yes."  
"What about it?"

"Why is Duckmole _me_?"

"Well, everyone needs a nickname so if the perpetrator–"

"The who?"

"The . . . er, bad guy–"

"Oh."

"So if he overhears he doesn't know who it is."

"Why am I _Duckmole_?"

"I don't make the nicknames, ma'am, I just talk them."

Daine growled and spun on her heel, walking out the door. The sparrows followed her.

When she reached her room, there was another note. She grabbed it off the bed and read it, before Agent Dean had a chance to tell her not to.

It read:

__

Adinxiq vuaqixhq GRSqlxi aindlx qhohikk OnxHHqoH HHHOKNNN Qpuqnc. Qoucn; puluzuujv oqicnkddd bYe aoxkkk AoKLLqonxn!! Ghooooooooooooooo. Monoai, oqkcnkxp pqkxnzonv?

Kitten, hidden under the bed, chuckled to herself.

"Here's another one," Daine sighed, tossing the note to Agent Dean. He read it and gasped, rather girlishly, in fact.

"Oh, no!" he cried. "Look, right here on paper — bYe! That's 'bye!' As in 'GONE!' As in dead! Oh, no!"

"I'm sure I'll be fine, really," Daine remarked dryly. "Now if you'll excuse me? I have to get ready for the ball — There's only four hours until the ball, and I am already behind schedule. I must start my bath immediately."

"I'm glad for it, miss. But I have to be within five feet, remember? So I'll just be in the room — I won't look, of course," Agent Dean replied.

"What? That's ridiculous! I'm not taking a bath if you're in the room!" Daine screeched.

"You have to, miss," Agent Dean replied stoically.

Daine sighed heavily. "Okay, here's the deal, IDIOT." Agent Dean opened his mouth to defend himself, but stopped, looking confused. Daine continued. "I'll push the basin so it'll be within five feet of the door, okay? That way, you can stand outside the door and still be within five feet of me. Got it?"

Before he could reply, she stalked into the washroom and slammed the door. Agent Dean shrugged and took his post outside the door.

The sparrows swirled out the open window of Daine's room, into yet another courtyard. Too bad we can't go to the ball, Pecks-out-eyes thought. It's sure going to be _funnnn-naaaaaaayy._

---------------

****

Oh happy day! I have finished another chapter! I hope you liked it. now press the button and tell me if you thought it was funny!

Oh, and Kel, Neal, and Daine are NOT the only ones that this will be about . . . I have plans for the others . . . *cackles to herself* oh yes . . . big plans . . .

Right then. More coming soon! Feel free to IM or email me: it's punkpenguin16@aol.com, so it's punkpenguin16 for an AIM name. Toodles; we'll do lunch!


	3. In Which There Are Many Points Of View

****

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. I drank out of the gallon milk jug. *cringes* LEAVE ME ALONE! My little brother does it all the time! GAH!

Hehehe. See if you can catch the joke. It's in the second paragraph. Also one later, but only people who have seen empire several times will get it. if you DO get it, tell me! we can rave about empire records together.

Props go to Rosefyre for help on guys' reactions, seeing as my hang-out time with the opposite sex amounts to NONE minutes. (see profile for explanation)

Er. I guess this sort of turned into a Mary Sue. But not really. I don't know. Tell me if it's okay, or if not, what I should do instead.

Chapter Three

In Which There Are Many Points Of View

---------------

With half an hour to go until the King's ball, Kel stood with her back to her mirror as Lalasa pinned and tucked her gown. After several minutes, Lalasa stood back, nodding approvingly, and Kel turned around.

She was wearing a _creation_, not a dress. It was made out of green satin that rustled when she moved. Tight around the bodice, and floating out to a full, floor-length skirt, the gown had a low-cut, square neckline that emphasized her chest. It had long fitted sleeves that clung to her arms. There was a slit in the front that revealed a pale green skirt underneath. It laced up the back. Kel had a strange sense of déjà vu, as if she had worn the gown before somewhere.

"Hah!" said Lalasa triumphantly. "I knew you'd have use for that dress! It's just been lying your wardrobe for the longest time!" Suddenly curious, Lalasa asked, "Why did you decide to wear it tonight, of all nights?"

"Yes, well, thanks for everything! I really must be going!" said Kel. She hustled out the door and ran — literally — into Neal, which knocked the wind out of both of them.

"Can't you do _anything_ without injuring someone?" Neal gasped good-naturedly. He was resplendent in a dark blue tunic.

"Um . . . right then, let's go," Kel said, preoccupied. She pulled him down the hall.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Neal demanded, trying to pry her fingers from his arm. Then he stopped, and started laughing. "Oh yes, I remember now. Dom's going to be there!"

Kel shot him a glare of pure poison. He ignored her.

"Dom, Dom, Dommy Dommy Dom," he chanted mercilessly.

"Oh?" she demanded angrily, skidding to a halt. "And who is _your_ lady of choice? What one-minute-gal have you picked up? What's her name? Huh?"

"Don't have one," Neal declared. "I'm single and super-sexy!"

"No, you're stupid," Kel countered.

"No, I'm sexy! Super-sexy!"

"Super-psychotic, more like," she muttered, and pulled him off again.

***

"We're going to be _late_, midear, and that would _not_ be good!" Numair called, through the washroom door.

"I'm almost ready!" Daine answered, her voice muffled.

Agent Dean chuckled. "Women," he said, looking at Numair. Numair stared blankly at him. Agent Dean cleared his throat and shifted position.

The door swung open, and Daine stepped out. She was wearing a very light yellow dress, with a heavier fabric underneath and a light overcoat weighted with beads, so it would hang correctly on her slight frame.

"You look like the sun," Numair laughed.

"And you look like death," Daine retorted. Numair was in his black robe. "Let's go."

They strolled out the door, and Agent Dean sauntered out behind them, following them down the corridor.

It took a few minutes to walk to the entrance of the Grand Ballroom. When they got to the huge oaken double doors, there was a large line of people waiting to be announced. Daine sighed, and led Numair to the end of the queue. She heard the doorman announce the next guests: "Lady Knight Keladry of Mindelan and Sir Nealan of Queenscove!"

***

Feeling the eyes of most of the room turn to her, Kel gulped and gripped Neal's arm as she walked down the stairs. She glanced around the room, doing her best to act natural while searching for that one person she wanted to see.

"A little nervous, are we?" Neal muttered as they reached the bottom of the staircase. He pried her fingers from his arm.

"Give it a rest, Meathead," Kel retorted, eyes scanning the room again.

Neal rolled his eyes. "Still calling me pet names? Ah, well – I like it when they talk dirty."

Kel eyed him. "You _are_ vulgar," she told him.

"What's all this? Dirty talk? Pet names?" said a familiar voice. "Why don't I have one?"

Kel whirled around and blushed. Dom grinned.

"Perhaps I'd better leave you two alone," said Neal quickly. "You know, to figure all this out." He rocketed off, ignoring Kel's glare.

"Ha, ha, ha," Kel laughed weakly. "Look at him . . . er . . . go."

__

What was wrong with her? She had _never_ acted this way around Dom before, and she had had a crush on him for years! Why was it different now that someone knew about it?

__

Because now you have someone else expecting you to do something about your crush, Kel answered herself.

Fingers lightly brushed her forehead. "Knock, knock," Dom singsonged. "Is that a private conversation with yourself, or can anyone join in?"

"I'm sorry," Kel said hurriedly, reddening as she talked. "I was just . . . thinking about something."

"Obviously," Dom drawled, sounding remarkably like Neal. "Well, if you aren't too busy thinking, would you care to dance?"

"No!" Kel blurted. Dom looked confused as well as disheartened. Kel rushed on. "I mean, no, I don't mind." Dom raised his eyebrows as Kel closed her eyes and finished. "Yes, I'd love to dance." _Talk about closing the door after the horse has bolted_, she thought. _Gods, he must think I've suddenly gone daft! Talking like a Court lady, blushing at every remark. What is wrong with me tonight?"_

But then Dom took her hand and led her to the floor, and she forgot all her concerns at his touch.

They went out to the dance floor, and just before Kel fell into a zone without thought, only feeling, she noticed a big lump behind a curtain, and grinned.

*** 

"I truly hate these things," muttered Raoul and Buri to each other at the same time as they hid behind a curtain. Then they both laughed at the same time, and turned puppy dog eyes to each other at the same time, and wrapped themselves in each other's arms at the same time.

"But I truly love you," said Buri after they separated, looking up over a foot into his eyes.

"And I, you," added Raoul. They began to kiss again.

Alanna walked past the lump, and rolled her eyes. _People are so weird when they're in love, _she thought, disgusted.

***

Alanna strode towards Jon, on the seat of honor. She reached his throne, and before she could say anything, he started to talk.

"Alanna! I'm so glad to see you! You look absolutely _fabulous_. Do you like my new tunic? I had it specially made for the ball, and . . ." he kept going, but Alanna zoned him out until a few minutes later. " . . . and I told him, but I _am _the King! Ha, ha!"

"Jon, you've told me all this before," Alanna said wearily.

Lord Wyldon, on visit from his home with Squire Owen in tow, snorted almost imperceptibly.

Alanna turned on him, annoyed with his reaction. "Do _you_ have something to say, my _Lord_ Wyldon?"

"Only that he's told _everyone _that — you're no one special, _Sir_ Alanna." He practically spat the title out.

Alanna snapped. After having avoided the first known female would-be knight in over a century for _eight years _due to this man, staying out of the Palace for longer than that, and having his comtempt her entire adult life, she had finally had enough. "All right, that's it, Cavall. Down here. Right now."

Wyldon raised his eyebrows in amusement. "I _beg_ your pardon?"

"I'm taking you _down_. I've had enough. _Now get down here_."

Wyldon rose gracefully from his seat, unsheathing his sword as she unsheathed hers. They both wore swords as signs of their status. He spoke as he walked up. "Are you sure you want to do this, Sir Alanna?"

"Of course I am! How dare you ask me? You son-of-a –"

"My liege, if you would announce the start of the match?"

" – as well as stuck up, conservative, and _conceited_ –"

"The match begins!"

"– plus, you're uninteresting, _vapid_, judgmental, to say the _least_, and ugly, and –"

Lord Wyldon swung his blade up to meet her neck. "I win," he said coolly.

Alanna's eyes bulged. She stared at his blade.

"And the winner is Lord Wyldon, setting a new record for Fastest Completion of a Duel, in four point six seconds!" called Jon.

"You cheated!" Alanna cried.

"I _did_ announce the match," reminded Jon.

"This is impossible!" Alanna shrieked. "I can't lose! Not to _him_!"

"You just did," reminded Wyldon.

"GAH!" Alanna screamed. She turned and ran from the room.

***

As was his habit, Neal gravitated towards the rather large clump of young ladies, surrounded by an atmosphere of young men. Using methods only known to him, Neal quickly made his way to nearly the center of the group, where he immediately caught the eye of one particular lady.

That lady was tall and slender, and moved with a willow's languid grace. She had shining tresses of light blonde hair that cascaded to her waist in perfect ringlets. The lady wore a dark green gown that fit her like a glove, and she eyed Neal appreciatively with baby blue eyes.

Hips swaying, she cat-walked over to him. "Hello," she murmured, her voice low and breathy. "I'm Lady Desdemona." She held out one perfect hand, expecting him to do something to it.

Neal opened his mouth to reply, and Desdemona toppled over to the left with a screech.

"Oh _dear_! How could that _possibly _have happened?" cried a young lady to the right of where Desdemona used to be. The new lady quickly retracted her elbow back to her side. "Someone help the Lady Desdemona! She has fallen!" Six young men stampeded towards the fallen paragon.

Neal blinked, confused. He turned to the second lady and took in her appearance.

The lady was shorter, and sturdier. She had dark brown hair that fell flat as an iron past her shoulders, and she studied him with amused brown eyes. The gown she had on was a dark red color that looked well with her hair.

The faintest glimmer of a smile appeared on Neal's face. He coughed politely and gestured towards the lady struggling to right herself. "Did you —?" He left the last part of the question hanging, unsure what to say.

She shrugged. "Mona had it coming."

Neal's smile became more evident, but before he had a chance to say anything, he was pushed aside by the furious Desdemona.

"Kate!" she shouted, livid with rage. "You did that on purpose!"

"Did what?" asked the burgundy dress girl, the picture of innocence.

"Pushed me over! I felt it!"

"Oh, that. I'm sorry. I was gesturing, like this," she demonstrated with a waving hand, "As I talked with . . . "

At Kate's expectant glance, Neal realized he was supposed to introduce himself. "Sir Nealan," he supplied.

" . . . with Sir Nealan, here, and you just _happened _to be in the way of my elbow." Kate finished and stuck her hands on her hips.

"You _liar!_ I felt it! It wasn't any _gesture_! It was a purposeful thing! I was _attacked!_" Desdemona began to cry, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. Kate looked at her with disgust.

"_You_ saw, didn't you, Sir Nealan?" asked Desdemona suddenly, turning her tearful eyes towards Neal, who jumped with surprise. He hadn't expected to be brought into this conversation.

"Yes, what _did _you see, Sir Nealan?" asked Kate quietly.

"Er . . ." stuttered Neal, trying for more time.

"Come on, out with it!" Kate said.

"Well . . . this lady," Neal said, gesturing to Kate, "Was just . . . waving to me. Her elbow barely touched you, Lady Desdemona, and you fell over. So . . . she was telling the truth," he lied.

Kate grinned.

Desdemona pressed her lips together and glared scathingly at Neal when people around her sniggered. She walked off in a huff, followed by her entourage.

"Now then," said Kate, still grinning, once they had left. "Where were we?"

Neal grinned back. "I think I was just about to ask you to dance," he said.

"Don't you want to know my name?"

Neal blinked. "Er . . . sure."

"I'm the Lady Katharine," she said, curtseying. She wobbled tremendously, and almost fell over. Neal grabbed her shoulder to keep her from toppling. "Call me Kate," she added, straightening up with a reddening face.

"And I'll just be Neal," he told her. "Er . . . aren't you supposed to have mastered curseying by now?" he asked.

"Well, yes. But we practiced in flat shoes, and as you can see . . . " Kate lifted the hem of her gown to reveal small feet with unnaturally stubby toes teetering on extremely tall heels.

"Ah," Neal said. "I understand." He offered his arm, to escort her to the dance floor.

"Thank you," she said, and gripped his arm as she bent over. Surprised at first, Neal laughed out loud when he saw what she was doing.

"Excuse me for just one minute," Kate said when she straightened. She walked over to an open window and chucked her shoes out it, then returned. She curtseyed, this time without wobbling, and accepted his arm. "Let's dance."

***

Dom whirled Kel carefully around the dance floor, neither one too sure of their footing. Kel stared off over his left shoulder, and he didn't look at her. It was decidedly uncomfortable, and neither of them wanted to realize why.

"So," Dom finally said, trying to make conversation. "How is life as a 'Lady Knight?' " he asked, slightly teasing her.

Kel tilted her head just a little bit up to look him in the eyes. "Nothing special."

Dom grinned, and quickly averted his eyes, casting them just downwards. Suddenly he reddened, and coughed. "Er . . . you have something on your neck."

Horrified, Kel clapped a hand to her neck. She felt a slight pain. Wasn't that where the sparrow had pecked her? It was, she suddenly remembered. She had caught sight of the injury in the mirror while she was getting ready — it hadn't even broken the skin, it was just a little red mark on her neck, perhaps the size of a dime . . .

Kel realized what Dom thought it was. "No!" she exclaimed, trying to salvage her dignity. "It's not that!" Dom grinned, obviously disbelieving her. "Truly! I swear by all the gods! It's not that! A sparrow pecked me! I swear!"

"You sound awfully guilty for someone who just got 'pecked by a sparrow,' " Dom stated, starting to smile.

"You don't believe me? You don't believe me! I don't believe it! This is unbelievable!" Kel ranted, still dancing in his arms.

Dom put his finger against her lips, effectively silencing her. Kel's heart pounded. "I believe you," he whispered. "Now forget it. Dance." He pulled her closer and they continued to twirl gracefully around the floor, leaving Kel with more than a red mark to try and hide.

---------------

****

Hehe, that chapter was _exceptionally_ fun to write! I hope you liked it! now review! REVIEW, KNAVES! NOW! *coughs* oops, sorry, my bitch side got the best of me. but seriously. Press the periwinkle button and let me know what you think.

Oh, serious question: is the story interesting enough to justify me being in it? and it's only a mary sue if you're perfectamondo, right? Hhhrrrrm. Tell me what you think.


	4. In Which The Ball Is Over

****

OH I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO BE KING. Haha-di-hah. The Lion King is such a great movie.

So I finished Search for the Six, which means that I'll be able to write my other stories now! *gasp* I know! It's amazing!

I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and not just because I'm in it. I found it really funny. Hope you like it!

Chapter Four

In Which The Ball Is Over

****

------------------

As Neal gracefully whirled Kate around the dance floor, he noticed that she was alternating between staring dreamily into his eyes and anxiously scanning the rest of the room over his right shoulder.

"Is something . . . er . . . wrong?" Neal asked tactfully.

"No . . . I'm just looking for someone. Three someones, actually," she answered, still not looking at him.

"Oh," he said uncertainly.

She looked back at his face and laughed at his confusion. "I'm looking for my friends," she explained. "I promised I'd introduce you to them, but actually, I don't really want to, because I'd rather dance with you. So we're going to find them, introduce you, and run away."

"Wait," he said, even more confused. "How did you know who I was?"

"Oh, you know," she said, looking over his shoulder again. "I've heard some stuff about you."

He was contemplating whether this was a good thing or a bad thing when Kate let out a noise that was in between a squeak and a shriek. He had just enough time to give the sound a name (A_ squreak_, he decided,) before Kate grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

She ground to a halt in front of three more court ladies in the middle of a quiet conversation with each other. "All right, Neal, this is Rose and Min and Stacey. Let's go." She turned around and began to march away, but one of them -- he hadn't caught names just yet-- grabbed ahold of her arm and kept her from making a quick getaway.

"Not so fast, Kate," she said firmly, and hauled her back in front of them.

Kate rolled her eyes, bit her lip and sighed. "Fine," she said heavily. "Neal, this is the Lady Stacey. Call her Stacey." She gestured to the lady who had pulled her back. She had dark blonde hair and blue-green eyes, and was the tallest of the group. She wore a dress of bright scarlet that stood out in a crowd of darker colors.

"A pleasure to meet you," she murmured, looking Neal up and down and extending her hand to be kissed. Kate stepped in front of Neal and glared at Stacey before continuing. 

"This is the Lady Rose," she announced, motioning to a short, slender lady with pale freckle-spattered skin, gray eyes, and red curly hair. She was garbed in a dress of the palest green, like new growth in springtime. "Call her Rose."

"Charmed, I'm sure," said Rose, nodding deeply. Neal nodded in return.

"And _this_," Kate said, beckoning to the as-yet-unnamed lady, "is the Lady Min. But call her Min," she added. Min was of middling height, with long, curly, dark hair. She was wearing a dark green gown that set off her skin color.

"It's wonderful to meet you," Min stated pleasantly.

"I'm glad to make your acquaintances," Neal said politely.

"Now, as much fun as this has been," Kate began, "We really must be going. Sorry! Bye, now!" Taking his cue, Neal extended his arm, and she hooked her own through it and allowed herself to be escorted away.

"They seemed nice enough," Neal said once they were out of earshot.

"Urgh. You haven't met them," Kate stated with feeling. Then she laughed. "Don't be fooled, though -- I love them to death! They're wonderful friends to have!"

Another dance started up, and Kel slid her eyes expectantly upwards. Caught unaware, Neal jumped, then grinned. "Milady Kate, would you care to dance again?"

"I would love to," she accepted, and he pulled her close as the dance required.

***

Across the floor, a group of three young men looked at Neal and his dance partner with jealousy.

"How come he always gets a lady to dance with so quickly?" muttered one of them. He was handsome, tall and lean with dark hair that fell into his eyes and begged to be brushed away by a lady's hand.

"Oh, come on, Faleron," muttered another. This young man had red-gold hair – the fiery color of his mother had faded as he got older. His bright green eyes sparked with annoyance. "We could get them if we wanted to. We are . . . choosing to stay over here, in a corner, away from anyone who might want to talk to us."

"I don't understand why we can't just go ask them to dance right now!" piped up the third, looking annoyed. He rolled gray eyes and ran a hand through a tumbled mat of brown curly hair. "I doubt that they would say no, _especially_ to you, Thom!"

"Owen, we can't be sure. That's why it's always better to wait for them to talk to us," finished Thom emphatically. 

The group fell into silence once more, glowering at the man easily making his way around the dance floor.

***

"Why does Kate always find someone to dance with so quickly?" muttered Rose, glaring at the young woman whirling carefully around the dance floor. "It doesn't make any sense. She's so strange! Look! She doesn't even have any shoes on!"

"I just don't understand why we have to wait for _them_ to come and talk to _us_," huffed Stacey for the third time. "If we want to dance, can't we just go ask a man to dance?"

"It's just the rules!" said Min, rolling her eyes. "Besides, it would be _awful_ if we went and asked them and they didn't want to dance!"

"I still think we should go find someone," Stacey muttered. She let her eyes drift across the crowded room, trying to make eye contact with any young man she saw. She failed.

Min sighed. "Does anyone know how long it is until the ball is over?"

***

The orchestra finished their song. Unfor which turned out to be the last song. Reluctantly, Kate let go of Neal's shoulder and stepped back.

"Are you going to be here tomorrow?" Neal asked instantly.

Kate grinned before she answered. "Actually, yes, I am," she told him.

"Well, would you like to go on a walk with me tomorrow afternoon?" he asked.

"No," she replied flatly. Seeing Neal's expression, she explained. "I don't _do_ walks. But a ride would be perfect!"

"Oh," Neal said, recovering. "Then we'll go for a ride. I'll come by your rooms at maybe midday? We could have lunch, and then go for a ride. Would that work for you?"

"It would be absolutely magnificent," Kate accepted graciously.

"Well, then." Neal bowed. "I must be off. My friends are waiting." With that, he swept away.

As soon as he had gone, Stacey, Rose and Min descended on Kate with a flurry of petticoats.

"Well?" Rose demanded. "What happened? Is he nice? Will you ever see him again?"

Kat grinned distractedly and patted her on the head. "No, I wouldn't care for any sausage, but thank you for offering to fry it. Daffodils, however, would be all right, as would a new bunny to play with."

There was a stunned silence. Min groaned, exasperated. "She's hopeless. We'll talk to her tomorrow." With that, they grabbed her arms and led the still-grinning lady off to their rooms.

***

When the orchestra finished their last song, Kel was disinclined to let go of Dom's shoulder, but she did it anyway. They stepped away from each other, feeling uncomfortable yet again.

"So," said Dom, beginning their conversation anew. "What is the beautiful lady going to do for the rest of the night?"

Kel blushed almost imperceptibly. "The beautiful lady is going to her rooms, to sleep, because the beautiful lady is very tired, especially of The King's Birthday Ball."

"Ah," he said, nodding. "I understand. Would you care for an escort?"

"No!" Kel said, too hastily and too high-pitched. "I'm fine!"

Dom shook his head, wagging a finger at her. "Now, Kel, you never know what kind of scary things lurk around the next corner."

"Oh, I'm sure there's nothing I can't handle," she said, somewhat nervously.

"One can never be too sure. Just to be safe, I think I had better come with you. You know," he deadpanned. "To make sure you don't get lost, or eaten by wild dogs on the way to your rooms."

Kel decided that whatever she did, she would not be able to get him to leave her alone, so she accepted. They turned towards the exit, and Kel became suddenly aware that Dom's hand was resting lightly on her waist.

***

"Daine! _Daine!_ Yoohoo!"

Jonathan gestured wildly at Daine as she left the ballroom. He was standing on the left side of the hallway, flanked by two IDIOTS.

Daine blinked. "Excuse me, love," she told Numair, who nodded. "Excuse me . . . er . . . right. . ." she told Agent Dan, who had taken over for Agent Dean. Daine made her way to the king. "Aren't you . . ." she trailed off, confused. She gestured back into the ballroom.

"I was, yes, but these agents came, and let me tell you, if they want you somewhere else, they get you there! Whoosh! You just _go_! It's amazing!" Jonathan looked immeasurably excited.

One of the agents tapped him on the shoulder. "Um . . . sir? We just walked."

"Yes, I know," Jon said. "Your point is . . ." The agent looked confused, and finished by shrugging his shoulders. "You know," the king said, leaning forward to talk in what he imagined was a conspiratorial whisper to Daine, "sometimes I think these agents are little better than idiots."

"You're right, sir, we're the best of the best," the second agent chimed in. Daine had to think about that for a minute.

Jon, on the other hand, looked amazed. "How could you hear what I said?" he asked.

"You were speaking normally, sir."

"Amazing! Simply amazing! I can't believe you have such good hearing!" Jon turned back to Daine, failing to see the gestures that the agents made towards him. "In any case . . . well, the reason I've called you over is because we have some good news." He beckoned the agents forward.

"Ma'am, regarding the notes you've been getting . . . we've figured out that they've been have been written in ink," he told Daine in a low voice.

Daine blinked. "You _what_?"

"I know! We've moved so quickly on this case! It's a first!" he told her excitedly.

"You figured out they were written in _ink_?"

"We have."

"What _else_ would they have been written in, you nut?" she asked.

"You never know," he said darkly.

Daine stared at him for a minute before turning around and walking back to Numair. "We'll keep in touch!" cried the king after her. She heard him ask the agents, "Now, then -- can you do that _whoosh_ thing again?"

"We have an idiot for a king," she told Neal calmly.

"I know," he comforted her. "At least we didn't elect him."

-----------------

****

Heh. Heh. Heh. That was fun to write.

And in case you're wondering, Stacey is Cami of Queenscove, Min is The Blind Assassin, and Rose is RoseFyre.

I can't wait for the next chapter.

Review, please!


End file.
